ONE Dominic Campbell was
one day watching a carpenter making repairs in his house. The carpenter
whistled "Maggie Lauder" as he laboured, and worked in time to the tune.
"Saunders," said the dominie presently, "can you no whustle a mair
solemn and godly tune while ye're at wark?" "Ay, wed, minister, if it be
your will I'll e'en now do it," and he immediately changed the tune to
the "Dead March in Saul," still planing in tune to the music. The worthy
dominic looked on for some minutes in silence and then said, "Saunders,
I hae anither word to say till ye. Did the guidwife hire ye by the day's
wark or by the job?" "The day's wark was our agreein', minister." - "Then on the whole, Saunders, I think ye may jist as weel gae back to
whustling 'Bonnie Maggie Lauder."
SIR FLETCHER NORTON, when
pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial rights,
chanced unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the point in my
own person; I myself have two little manors." The Judge immediately
interposed with one of his blandest smiles, We all know it, Sir
A BEGGAR-BOY asked an old
gentleman in the street for sixpence. "What will you do with it if I
give you one?" asked the old gentleman. "Turn it into nine- pence
quick," replied the boy. 'How?" "Give me the tanner and I'll soon show
yer." The boy got the money, darted off to a baker's shop and bought a
threepenny loaf, with which he returned to the old gentleman and handed
him back three pennies.
You said you would make
the sixpence into ninepence." "So I 'ave. The baker's got threepence,
you've got threepence, and I've got a threepenny loaf. That's nine-
BOTH CLEVER.—A Highlander
was out for a walk with his wife one day, and had the ill-luck to fall
into a river. After great difficulty he managed to scramble out again,
and was assisted up the bank by his wife, who had been most distracted.
"Ah, Donald, dear," she said, "you ought to be very thankful to Heaven
fer your life being spared!" Donald was quite offended at this way of
putting it. "Ay, ay !" he replied, "Profitence was ferry kind, but I was
ferry clever, too!"
DISTURBING HIS NAP.—In a
country parish in Scotland there lived a family, one of whom was a herd
laddie. He was having a nap at the fireside after supper as usual, when
his mother, giving him a rough shake, said, "Heest ye awa' tae yer bed.
Wakening up, he indignantly retorted, "I never saw a hoose like this.
It's 'Heest ye awa' tae yer bed,' an' in the morn in' it's 'Heest ye an'
rise.' But I'll hae a rest though I should sit up a nicht."
ST. ENOCH'S SQUARE,
GLASGOW.—Two farmers have adjourned to " His Lordship's." First farmer.
"Aye man, Peter, I was ra'al vext tae hear ye had lost the wife; it's a
great loss tae a man." Second farmer.—"'Deed is't ; it's like a din i'
the elbow, gey an' sair at the time; but, man, it wad ha'e been naething
if it hadna been i' the verra middle o' the harvest!"